party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
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