Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
