Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
