gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
