I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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