I wish they made helmets for livers.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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