I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
