I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize