My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I'm getting married
To pizza
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
