So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
