The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
