The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
