dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Randomize
