Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
