just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Randomize
