No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
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