You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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