The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
