I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
