You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
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