I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
