i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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