My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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