He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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