I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
