tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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