I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
