i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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