Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
