Old men and throwing up are my life now.
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Randomize
