If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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