my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
