i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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