I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
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