i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
