new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
