I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
