i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
