Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
