remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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