sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
