last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
