what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
We had sex on a dog bed..
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Couch. On fire.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
