Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Who died my cat blue again?
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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