the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
