He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
