so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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