Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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