i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
