It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Randomize
