WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
